12 and Holding

I was not expecting this movie to be so…good.

If you guys have not seen this, and I doubt most of you have really watched it, you should. I only watched it first for Jeremy Renner and his incredible acting, but the entire movie is just amazingly filmed. The plot is so original and the acting is impeccable.

So, yupp, go watch the movie.

Maybe chance is a pretty common thing after all. Those kinds of coincidences are happening all around us, all the time, but most of them don’t attract our attention and we just let them go by. It’s like fireworks in the daytime. You might hear a faint sound, but even if you look up at the sky you can’t see a thing. But if we’re really hoping something may come true it may become visible, like a message rising to the surface. Then we’re able to make it out clearly, decipher what it means. And seeing it before us we’re surprised and wonder at how strange things like this can happen. Even though there’s nothing strange about it.

                            ~Haruki Murakami

I love getting lost in the city

I love walking down the streets of New York—buildings towering over me, cars speeding past, and the roar of the crowds. I love passing bright store windows and just taking a peek inside them, wishing that I were able to afford those clothes. I love the smell of hot dogs being sold at the street corners, and I love the way the lights brighten up the night sky of the city. I love seeing tourists with their cameras in their hands taking pictures around every corner. I love finding someone that I find attractive only to have him look up and smile at me before he walks past. I love getting lost in the noise of the city. I love walking around until my legs ache and beg for me to take a seat. I love discovering new locations and finding new pathways home.

I love it all. 

I don’t like being reminded of my past

Here’s the thing. I believe in that motto: “the past stays in the past.” I don’t like looking back. I’ve made some of the biggest mistakes that, of course, I have now learned from. My past has shaped me to be the person I am now, but I’m not the type of person that likes to look back on things. 

I don’t like it when people use my past against me. I’m not who I used to be, I grew up. I’ve accepted that, why can’t you? 

I saw my Kuya today.

He’s doing fine, physically. There are a few bumps and bruises here and there. He has a gash at the left side of his head, but they say he’ll be okay. His memory is fine and he’s able to walk. He was sent home yesterday, and he’s recovering at home with his family.

However, mentally… he’s not doing so well. He was acting like his usual self—laughing, joking around, and messing with me—but I saw the sadness in his eyes. It’s like he knows that something bad happened, but he refuses to believe the severity of the accident. I mean, how can he? How does someone who was involved in an accident that left one kid dead and the other in critical condition accept the fact that it occurred? How does someone accept that your best friend died only a few inches away from you?

He gave me two of the biggest and longest hugs that he’s ever given me. He held on so tight and I felt my tears starting to break through. Each time he said, “I am sorry, Ate. I love you so much, and I missed you.” That broke my heart. He’s hurting so much, yet there’s nothing that I can do about it. He was even excited for prom because he wanted to forget about what had occurred, but he has to stay home and rest. He even told me that he was going to my showcase next Tuesday. He said, “I promised I’d be there. I’m going to make you a huge ass sign like I did the first time!” He’s the type of person that can’t fully accept a tragedy. He feels that if he returned to school and work that everything will be the same again. But, what happens when he snaps back to reality? Just seeing him today in the mental condition he was in (even though he was trying to hide the fact that he is in fact broken) broke me into a million pieces. What am I supposed to do when he finally comes to a set a final realization…? 

Before I left I gave him the longest hug and I told him, “Don’t ever scare me like that again, Kuya. I friggin’ love you.” I was on the verge of tears. He hugged me so tight and said, “I love you, too, Ate. I promise that I won’t make you worry about me again.” I felt the sadness and pain from that one statement. He was holding back tears as well… I knew he didn’t want me to go. He looked so broken, so upset when we started heading for the door. It’s so hard to see him in this state. Granted, he’s alive, but…a piece of him was indefinitely lost after the accident.

Sad day…

I felt my heart drop today when I heard about the accident and who was involved in it. Tears would not stop overflowing and my hands could not stop shaking. To think that it happened to three people in our school, two of whom I am close with, is just heartbreaking. And, even though both my good friends are alright, I still feel so much pain and anguish for the person who had passed away today. The fact that he had made an impact on so many different people during his time here on Earth just to leave them so drastically is so sad. To see his friends grieve and cry over someone so important to them is such a depressing image. It is not fair to them to witness someone so young, so close to graduating, pass before his time. I send my condolences to all his friends and family.

I hope that Efrain recovers soon, and I hope to see my Kuya walking around the hallways giving me the biggest hugs again very soon. I hope that Abel is peacefully resting now, and that the love that his friends and family are sending to him reach him in heaven.

It’s instances like these where we realize how fragile life truly is.

Why is our generation so depressed?

I’ve realized this while looking through tumblr posts and even hearing side conversations in school. I hear people crying over something new every day and I hear hearts being broken and stepped on every other week. I hear about friendships diminishing day after day, and I hear about families being torn apart. I’ve probably heard it all, or I might just be exaggerating. Either way, it honestly feels as if there are so many teens that are sad or depressed nowadays.

I mean, has it always been like this? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I feel like our generation tried to grow up so fast. We kept our expectations high and our need for an ultimate high even higher. This generation has created a definition of “beauty” that is unattainable and it’s made love something to lust after. Our generation fights for peace, yet we use violence as our main weapon. We say that prejudice is a thing of the past, yet some of us still shun and mock our first black president, and some of us still can’t accept that love doesn’t just have to be between a man and a woman. We’re never satisfied with the toys that are being put out every month—we keep wanting more. We fight each other because it’s fun and we break hearts because it’s so easy. We fight for a place in the winner’s circle—a gateway into being accepted. 

Like I said, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m going crazy.